Quotes

Here are some funny quotes I found on the web!

If two rights don’t make a wrong try 3.

Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Life is biology. Biology is really chemistry. Chemistry is really physics. Physics is really math, and math is really hard

Life sux... then you die.

Only dead people are cool...

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.

Hard work never killed anyone… but why take chances?

If all else fails… follow the instructions.

I intend to live forever – so far so good.

Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now.

If you’re not part of the freaks, you’re part of the boredom.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of it!

 Don’t play stupid with me… I’m better at it!

I don’t make mistakes, one time I thought I did, but I was wrong…

My reality check bounced…

I always win. Except when I lose… but that doesn’t count!

I put the fun in dysfunctional.

If aliens were searching for intelligent life why would they land here?

Be nice to other people. They outnumber you six billion to one.

Normal people worry me…

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I wouldn't mind dying its the idea of staying dead that scares me.

Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic loss.

I before E except in Budweiser & Heineken.

Live everyday as if it were you last, then some day you will be right.

Honesty is the best policy insanity is a better defense.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

To the world you may be just one person but to just one person you may be the world.

What happens when the only person in the world who can dry your tears is the one that mad you cry?